Due to a combination of apathy and shame, I haven’t been to the dentist in years, and as such, my teeth are extremely fucked. That’s always my problem. I go for so long without visiting the dentist that I build up this extreme paranoia about going in for a routine cleaning, perhaps because I think the dentist will judge my moral fiber and overall value as a person based on my teeth’s decrepitude (and naturally, the opinion of a medical professional who I see every six months or so should naturally be valued more than those of my family, friends, or coworkers). At the point where carelessness tips over into embarrassment, it’s impossible to stop, until my teeth are riddled with holes like worms in the timber of an old-fashioned sailing vessel and beginning to fall out of my head.
Intelligent design is a dumb concept for a lot of reasons, but a lot of it comes down to the fact that whatever creator god you believe in is a terrible engineer, and any reasonably clever eleven-year-old could build a better solution for the given problem. I wonder what proponents of intelligent design must think their creator’s thought process must have been when making teeth. I imagine it must have gone something like this:
INT: GOD’S WORKSHOP UPON THE SIXTH DAY OF CREATION
ALL KNOWING, POWERFUL, BENEVOLENT DEMIURGE: I have developed “teeth”, which the beings that I have created in My image shall use to crush and render the organic matter that they require to sustain their metabolism. They shall be made of the hardest material in their bodies, and will last for tens of thousands of years, provided that they are not wet and covered in food residue, which is exactly the environment in which they shall primarily be utilized. If damaged, they cannot be healed or replaced, and injuries to them can result in intense pain, dismemberment, or death.
ALL KNOWING, POWERFUL, BENEVOLENT DEMIURGE: …
ALL KNOWING, POWERFUL, BENEVOLENT DEMIURGE: Fuck it; let’s ship it.
It’s especially frustrating because there are so many other animals that have far better dentition than us idiot humans. For example, if we were really intended to be the culmination of the Creator’s design for the cosmos, maybe they could have chosen one of the following other options that they have provided for other organisms:
- Have teeth that are constantly being lost and replaced over the course of our lives, like our friend the shark do
- Have very long teeth that are continuously extruded from our gums and worn down as we chew our food, like our friend the horse do
- Have enamel reinforced by LITERAL IRON, like our friend the beaver do
In addition, if we chose that latter option, we would have dental appendages in a vibrant shade of orange, which in addition to being evolutionarily practical, would be stylish in a vintage, midcentury sort of way.
I have many other bug reports to give to the creator of the universe, if I turn out to be wrong and I will not be consigned to endless oblivion if I happen to breathe wrong for, like, two minutes. Currently the teeth stuff is highest priority, but I’m sure that might change the next time I play soccer and line up to block a free kick. Unless there’s an absolute cosmic necessity that my testicles cannot produce sperm unless they are several degrees COOLER than my core temperature, thus requiring me to carry them around in a sack outside my body for my whole life. But I shouldn’t question. It’s probably all part of God’s plan.